


And We Fall

by GideonGraystairs



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Family Feels, Friendship/Love, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mainly Magnus POV, Mental Health Issues, Mystery, Romance, Self-Harm, Slow Build, Sorry Not Sorry, Triggers, a lot of crying, and also my readers from what i gather, by both the characters and me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-25
Updated: 2014-09-21
Packaged: 2018-01-26 12:30:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1688435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GideonGraystairs/pseuds/GideonGraystairs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Magnus moves to a new school he isn't expecting to fall hard into the mysterious world of Alec Lightwood, a boy with a secret hidden from everyone. As he finds himself tangled in a web of wonder and worry, he begins to realize that there's a lot more to Alec than anyone could ever imagine. And not just Alec either, but his desperate and broken sister and brother as well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. And We Meet

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, new story here that I'm really excited about! I started posting this originally on FanFiction, where it's currently at chapter nine, so if you want to read more right now then head on over there. My username is the same, as well as the story title. Otherwise, I'll post the next chapter every weekend. Note that this fic will contain sensitive subjects later on, though I don't want to spoil anything for you :) Let me know if there are any mistakes here please, I'd like to be able to fix them. If you have any questions, feel free to pm me or put them in a wonderful comment because I read each and every one of them. Comments are love guys, so please leave me some :'( Who knows, maybe if I get enough I'll post the next chapter early!  
> I really love this story, it's the longest I've ever written (from where I currently am on ff.net) and I'm so proud of it. This is my baby, treat it well ;)

* * *

  _November 23rd_

* * *

He's nervous; his first day of school. He spent hours poring over his clothes the night before in an effort to decide what to wear. It hadn't worked, he'd ended up just throwing on the first things he could find and running gel coated fingers through his hair to spike it up. He'd left out the makeup, not sure how this school would react and not wanting to get beat up on his first day there.

He drops his bag in his locker and notes a few guys wrestling with each other down the hall, their laughs echoing all around. He memorizes their most defining characteristics and makes a mental note to avoid them when possible.

By the time the warning bell rings for first period he's sweating, the nerves running through his entire body. It's odd, he thinks, he's never really been all that nervous before. He'd been the one to strut into school wearing rainbow leather pants with bright pink hair just because he could. It's a new feeling for him and it's one he can't say he's very fond of. Still, he tries to look nonchalant as he heads into his new English class. The teacher greets him, introduces him to the class, and tells him to go sit next to the dark shape in the back corner. Magnus prays no one notices how he's shaking but it seems his prayers were for nothing when he sees the tiny smirk on his new desk buddy's face.

He hesitates for a second before he sits down because he's noticed that the boy beside him is fairly attractive. He opens his mouth as he slides his chair closer to the desk but he's also now noticed that the boy isn't paying attention to him anymore. Instead, he's doodling in a navy blue notebook as the teacher drones on in the background. Magnus turns back to the front of the class and starts copying down the note on the board.

The class passes in silence.

* * *

The rest of day goes by normally for the most part; he makes conversation with a redheaded girl named Clary in his Art class, finds someone to sit with at lunch in his Anthro class. Before he knows it, lunch has crept up on him and he makes his way over to Ragnor and Camille's lockers, following the directions he'd been told. Camille smiles, Ragnor offers a nod, and they set off to find somewhere relatively unoccupied to eat their lunch.

Magnus decides he's got the friends he wants right here; it's easy and fun and they seem like good people.

It's when he's making his way back to his locker to grab his gym clothes that he sees the boy from his English class again. He's sitting near the end of the hall with a blond boy Magnus doesn't know, nodding along to whatever his friend is saying. He can make out Clary sitting in front of the blonde one, a raven-haired girl beside her to close in the circle. It's odd, Magnus notices, that while the boy's friends are all laughing and having a good time he hasn't even cracked a smile. There's not even a flicker of amusement in his blue eyes as he takes in his friends, just a cold detachment like he doesn't even register that he _should_ be having fun.

Magnus shakes his head and goes back to stuffing things in his bag so he can actually find his gym bag in the mess. He snags it the second he sees the bright orange sticking out from under the rest of his things and closes his locker with a clang. He throws the lock on as fast as he can when the warning bell for fourth period goes and turns to run down the hall, noting that the blue-eyed boy and his friends are no longer there.

* * *

Magnus spends the journey to the gym cursing the fact that he had to come on the one day a week there's a double because he's already out of breath by the time he reaches the change rooms. How is he supposed to survive _two whole hours_ of gym class? Pushing the door open, he stumbles into the changeroom and nearly collides with the door behind the first one. Why the hell are there two doors? Sighing, he shoves the second door open as well and is finally met with the sight of wooden benches and metal hooks. He throws his stuff onto a mostly unoccupied one and yanks out his gym clothes.

It's while he's pulling his gym shirt down over his head that the owner of the black bag at the end of the bench decides to make an appearance and scare the shit out of Magnus. He jumps, an insult on the tip of his tongue before he finds himself rearing back in a different kind of shock because it's _him._ The guy from his English class. And ok wow, why is this guy suddenly _him_? The blue-eyed boy just raises an eyebrow and then turns to back to where he'd started shoving his binder into his bag.

Dodge-ball ends up being the warm-up and Magnus' team loses all three times they play. It may or may not have had something to do with the fact that he couldn't stop staring at the raven-haired boy on the bench. It's strange that he isn't playing, stranger still that the teacher doesn't even bat an eye at it. The boy sits on the bench the whole first hour right up until the bell rings to signal their ten minute break. Magnus frowns but decides to just ignore it.

It's when the second hour of the class starts that the curiosity grips him like a vice, urging him to approach the other boy while he's out of the game. He plops down beside him and throws him a smile, unsure what to say. Magnus is met by narrowed blue eyes and questioning eyebrows so he sticks out his hand.

"I'm Magnus, we sit beside each other in English." The boy seems to consider the offered hand for a second before taking it in a surprisingly gentle grasp.

"Alec," he says, a half smile dancing across his lips.


	2. And We Hear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter, sorry I didn't post it sooner. I completely forgot I'd started posting this story here :P

* * *

_December 4th_

* * *

He shoves his winter coat into his locker and slams it shut with more force than necessary, wrestling with the lock for a good minute before it finally closes. The warning bell rings during the time it takes him to pick up his notebook from where he'd dropped it on the floor and he takes off running down the hall because he's on the other side of the school from where he needs to be. He makes it through the door just a second before the actual bell goes off and thanks God he made it; another late and he'd be stuck with detention. Smiling at his small victory, Magnus makes his way to the far corner of the class and dumps his stuff down on his desk, throwing himself into his chair with an exaggerated huff. Beside him, Alec rolls his eyes but doesn't look up from where he's doodling in his notebook like always. The teacher glares at him silently.

The lesson is something to do with poetry, but he's too busy trying to annoy a reaction out of Alec to pay any attention. It takes almost half the class before his friend finally throws his pencil down with a groan and turns to glare at him.

"What?" he barks out as Magnus grins at him. This time it's Magnus who rolls his eyes.

"You've been ignoring me," he tells his friend, pouting. Alec gives up glaring at him and instead just turns back to his latest doodle with an annoyed sound.

"You're annoying," he mutters. Magnus, ever the dramatic, clasps a hand over his heart, spouting about being wounded. He feels like he's won the lottery when a hint of a smile shows on the other boy's face but the feeling doesn't last long. In the month he's known him, Magnus has never once seen Alec smile. The closest he'd come had been when they first spoke and that had been miles away from a real smile. He sighs, wishing his friend wasn't so closed off.

It does about as much good as wishing on a falling star.

* * *

He manages to get his locker closed easily for once, not having to rearrange things so they don't topple out, but then his stupid lock decides it hates him and won't close. He's too busy cursing his broken lock to notice the amusement in dark blue eyes before Alec reaches around him and snaps the lock shut with a click. Magnus isn't jealous. He's not. By the time he turns his glare from the offending object to the other boy, the amusement's gone and once again he's met with a cold detachment.

"Where do you want to eat?" he asks. Alec shrugs and pushes off of the lockers he'd been leaning against. They start walking, no destination in mind as they go. They pass Alec's friends on the way, seated in their usual spot and the blue eyes barely shift in their direction. Magnus notices the dark-haired girl frown at them, looking like she wants to say something but thinking better of it. He frowns back at her.

They end up in one of the less frequented stairwells, pressed into the corner to avoid being hit by the door if it does open. The conversation is small, meaningless, between them but Magnus has come to realize that that's all he's really going to get out of Alec. It's this knowledge that keeps him from asking about his lack of a meal every day, or his not participating in gym class.

He's come to realize that Alec is just an enigma wrapped up in a mystery he'll probably never be able to solve no matter how badly he wants to. He tries still, picking out all of the little clues he can; the teachers never caring when he doesn't get things done, no one saying anything as he sits on the bench in gym class, the way no one seems to want to approach him. It's odd, how everyone avoids him like they just know there's no point in even talking to him. Alec doesn't ever appear to be bothered by it though, in fact he seems to appreciate the solitude.

So instead of asking the million questions he has, he makes small talk about their shared classes and pretends he's not desperately trying to get a smile from the other boy.

* * *

He dumps his bag on top of Ragnor's on the dark red armchair in the corner of Camille's room and then flails around for a minute trying to get his winter coat off. Camille laughs at him, already curled up on her bed with a bottle of violet nail polish. He glares at her halfheartedly as he flops down beside her and ignores the faces Ragnor makes at them, fishing through the polish on the bed for the blue he wants.

He likes this, how easy it is with them. He remembers his others schools where he wasn't so lucky to find good friends so fast. There's no awkwardness here, like the three of them have been best friends since they could walk. There's no pressure to say the right thing, to act the right way. Good friends are hard to come by, and he's grateful that he has.

"Hey, Magnus, we didn't see you at lunch again today," she says it like a statement but the underlying question is clearly there. He catches Ragnor's eye roll out of the corner of his eye.

"Yeah, I was with Alec," he replies nonchalantly, not looking up from where he's currently painting his toes a deep blue. That doesn't mean he misses the shocked looks they both give him. He gets it, Alec is this ethereal being no one ever has any contact with outside of the four people who seem to flock around him. He's that guy that everyone knows, but no one _knows_.

"Alec? Are you serious?" He catches a note of concern in her voice that makes him look up at her, frowning.

"Yes, I am. Why?" He's narrowed his eyes at them now, not liking the way they seem to be looking at Alec as a bad thing. Camille glances over at Ragnor, matching looks of worry written across their faces and Magnus starts glaring at them. " _Why?_ " he repeats with more force.

"He's— Just, Magnus? Be careful, okay?" and then she goes back to painting her toenails, effectively ending the conversation. Magnus just stares at her in confusion for a second before he too goes back to his nails, the words sitting uncomfortably in his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave kudos or comments, they make my day :)


	3. And We Glimpse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I may have kind of forgotten I'd also started posting this story over here... don't kill me? Basically that means it's up to chapter 22 over on fanfiction, if you'd like to read it over there. I'll be posting a few more chapters tonight though and more tomorrow.

* * *

  _March 12th, 2014_

* * *

Red painted nails curl around the side of his open locker before pushing it mostly closed and when he looks up, Magnus is met with the dark-haired girl he sees Alec with when they're not together. He frowns into her brown eyes questioningly as she seems to consider him for a moment.

"I notice you've been spending a lot of time with my brother lately," she says carefully. Magnus' frown deepens at that. Her brother? He looks her over again before it dawns on him that she must mean Alec. She looks like the female version of him, the only difference being their eyes.

"You mean Alec?" he asks just to be sure and she nods, looking him up and down again with pursed lips.

"So, how do you two know each other?" she asks then and he's beginning to see why she's suddenly come to talk to him. Alec doesn't get involved with others, so she's trying to figure out why Magnus has become the exception. He almost smiles at her protectiveness of her brother, knowing she's also trying to figure out if he's a good enough person to be around Alec. He thinks it's a tad excessive, it's not like they're going out or even that close really, but oddity seems to run in the Lightwood family so he'll let it go.

"We had two classes together first semester," he replies just as carefully as she'd asked the question in the first place. He doesn't quite know the relevance of this if she is doing what he thinks she is but he's not going to question her.

"Do you? Which two?" Her eyes are narrowed now as they continue to examine him from every possible angle they can find. He just smiles at her politely and tells her English and Gym. The narrowed eyes seem to examine him even more minutely at the mention of gym and he knows why. He'd had gym with Alec for two months and hadn't once seen him off the bench.

He'd never asked anyone about it, getting the feeling that even if he did he wouldn't get an answer. No one seems to know anything about Alec except that he's a Lightwood and hangs out with Jace, the rugby team captain. Well that, and everyone also knows that no one knows anything about him.

"And now we just have French together," he adds after a few moments of her just staring at him. He's never been so intimidated by someone before and he's pretty sure she's at least a year younger than him too. She appears to be absolutely nothing like Alec except in looks. She seems to have gotten what she wanted though, thank God, because she suddenly brightens, a friendly smile lighting up her features.

"Well, that's nice. I'm Isabelle, by the way," she tells him, stretching out a hand for him to shake. He recognizes the name from Clary, talking about her fashionista best friend going out with her nerd best friend and it makes him warm up to her a little more. He accepts her hand with a smile, glad that the intimidating part of their conversation is over.

"I'm Magnus, nice to meet you." She grins back at him, mischief dancing behind her warm brown eyes. He can already tell she's going to mean trouble at some point.

"Oh, I know." Noting his confused expression she tacks on, "Alec told me about you," and he fights back the urge to interrogate her about what he'd said. It's not really Magnus' business and he doesn't need her thinking he's that desperate.

"Did he now? Not all that shocking, really. I am much too fabulous not to be the topic of conversation," he tells her with a playful grin and her laugh is real and honest in response. He wonders if it's anything like Alec's, which he still has yet to hear.

"No, I suppose not. I'm kind of surprised he hangs out with you, actually. No offense, but you seem a little too  _out_  for him to be comfortable hanging around." And Magnus nearly chokes on absolutely nothing.

"Alec's gay?!" he practically squeals in surprise. Either that's what she'd meant or Alec is actually homophobic, which Magnus deems even less possible than the first option. Now that he thinks about it though, it does fit Alec. He's certainly never expressed any interest in  _girls_  before.

Isabelle has the decency to look mildly guilty as she says, "Oh, you didn't know? I thought you two were—" She doesn't need to say anymore, he knows what she's implying and this time he really does choke on absolutely nothing because  _in his dreams_.

"Um, yeah, no. No, just— just friends," he manages to force out once he's regained the ability to speak. Isabelle narrows her eyes at him again and then her face twists into a smirk, the same mischief as before dancing in her eyes.

"But you wish you were, right?" she says cheekily and he freezes, because yes he does like him and suddenly he has a sliver of a chance with Alec because at least he likes guys. And well, maybe it's a little more than like but he's not ready to delve any deeper into that.

"Don't tell him, please," he asks her softly, chewing on his bottom lip. The smirk fades to a gentle smile and she rests her hand on his arm.

"I won't, but I really think  _you_  should," she tells him gently and he frowns at her for a second before telling her he'll think about it. She nods, content with that, and he decides that he likes Isabelle. She's the kind of person he can see himself being friends with. So he grins at her, cracks a joke and she teases him back and they laugh their way through the wellness break.

He wonders how Alec is the way he is when he's surrounded by people like her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave comments or kudos to let me know what you think!


	4. And We Try

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The french in this chapter is basically the teacher telling Magnus to pay attention and him responding with "Sorry, I'm tired."  
> Enjoy!

 

* * *

_May 15th, 2014_

* * *

He collapses against his friend's locker with a dramatic huff and watches in satisfaction as amusement dances in the eyes that roll at him. Alec then proceeds to ignore him as he rearranges books in his locker to find the one he's looking for. Magnus grins at him, smirking as he reaches in and plucks out the one the other boy wants with barely a glance. Alec might be able to get Magnus' lock to work effortlessly but Magnus can find things in the chaos that is Alec's locker just as easily. They're on even ground here.

Alec blinks at the book before snatching it from his hand with a halfhearted glare and a small shake of his head. He slams his locker shut, throws the lock on, and smirks when Magnus finds his turn to glare. So maybe he's still jealous. So what?

He trails after Alec as he heads towards their French class, taking in the view from behind with appreciative eyes. It's times like these where he thinks,  _maybe_. Times like these where he thinks,  _what if_. Where he wonders if it's possible. He likes to pretend it is, likes to pretend sometimes that it's already happened. He knows it's not healthy, thinks that maybe he's betraying Alec's trust in him for thinking like this, but he can't help it. He knows this isn't a crush, that it's not just going to disappear.

He also knows it will almost definitely never happen, but he doesn't care. He's content with this, and as much as he might wish for more he knows this is good. He lives for the little bit he does get because it's enough. He could spend the rest of his life with just this small piece and he'd be okay.

Sometimes though, he finds himself opening his mouth to tell Alec before he realizes what he's doing. It'd be so easy, just three little words, and he knows Alec would get it, would know the context he's using those words in. And it's hard, not to say something, not to reach for his hand or run his fingers through those dark locks that always seem to want to hide those beautiful blue eyes. It's hard to be his friend, when he wants so much more, but he knows it'd be harder not to be because at least this is close. At least this way he can still stand beside him and grab his arm or tap his shoulder. It may not be much, but he'll take what he can get.

* * *

"Magnus, je veux que tu fais attention à cette leçon, s'il te plaît." He snaps out of the Alec-induced trance he hadn't even realized he was in to give the teacher a sheepish grin.

"Je m'excuse, madame. Je suis vraiment fatigué aujourd'hui," he tells her and she rolls her eyes at him but goes back to teaching the lesson without another comment. He sighs, slumping down onto the desk with his head in his arms. He stares at Alec for a second, scribbling in the same blue notebook as always. Magnus wonders what he's drawing. He's never been allowed to see, always been warded off with a glare and the shifting of the notebook away from him.

Alec isn't in Art, Magnus would have heard him brought up at some point in his Art class last semester. Actually, other than the essential classes and the fact that he's not in art, Magnus knows nothing about Alec's classes. In fact, he doesn't really know anything about Alec other than his personality. It's strange, that all he knows about this boy he's been hanging out with for months is that he has a sister, hangs out with the popular crowd, doesn't get involved with anyone else and seems to enjoy drawing, though just as a habit. It's odd, but Magnus chooses not to make a big deal about it. Alec probably just doesn't think it's all that important.

Yeah, that must be it.

* * *

Sometimes he thinks he should really worry about Alec, thinks that Alec doesn't tell him anything because it's not good. He knows there's more to Alec than what he could possibly understand and sometimes he thinks that that more is bad, so awful it can't even be said. It's the times when he notices that it's spring already, summer fast approaching, and Alec is still in long sleeves, times he wonders why Alec never seems to eat anything. It's the times he'll be talking to the other boy only to notice Alec isn't paying attention, a cold detachment in his eyes. It's the times he notices Alec isn't okay that send him into a frenzied state of worry.

He tries to figure it out on his own, tries to piece the billion little clues together, but he can't. He doesn't have enough of them, doesn't understand the ones he does have. It's frustrating, knowing there is something so obviously wrong and not being able to do anything to fix it. He doesn't even know what it is.

So he sends subtle hints to his friend that he's there, that he's listening, that he can help if only he knew what was wrong. It doesn't help, Alec either oblivious to it or pointedly ignoring it. He sends subtle hints to Isabelle, whom he now spends Friday nights with, to tell him, to let him into their world. That doesn't work either, though he at least knows she gets the hints because she just shakes her head and gives him a small, sad smile every time. He can see in her eyes that it's bad, whatever it is and also that while she may know infinitely more than him, even she doesn't know most of it.

He gets it, Alec is Alec and that's just the way things are. He wishes it wasn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought?

**Author's Note:**

> If I get enough comments, I'll post the next chapter early :) I hope you all love this story as much as I do!


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